Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller: Straight-Up Crazy

posted 1.6.10

We all know that substance-abusing recidivist Charlie Sheen is a few cards shy of a full deck, but we were hoping his latest wife, real estate investor Brooke Mueller, could help him find those missing aces. Unfortunately, even Mueller hasn’t been able to tame the wild Sheen, and their wedded peace and harmony has been short-lived. Brooke called 911 on Christmas Day. Why, you ask?

Oh, just because Charlie reportedly choked her and threatened her with a switchblade when Brooke mentioned the words “custody” and “divorce.” Jeebus. We guess nothing says “holiday spirit” like a psychotic episode. Since the calamitous couple is publicly reconciling, Moonit’s going behind the police reports to figure out what’s really fueling this dysfunctional duo.

Moonit’s birth date analysis reveals that Charlie and Brooke’s, “draw is so strong, we know no one’s going to be able to talk them out of it,” and that, to Charlie, “she seems like the most enticing, exciting person he’s ever met.” Maybe that’s why they’re still looking to patch up their marital conflicts despite the severity of this alleged domestic disturbance. Their high-powered attorney recently released a calmative statement, commenting that, “the couple loves each other very much and what happened over the Christmas holiday amounted to ‘one bad night’.” (We’re putting that in the running for “Spin Doctoring/Understatement of the Decade.”)

Their reading goes on to say that, “her Love Potion #9 effect has him convinced that they’re really meant to be together….[that] he can accomplish more and grow as a person just by being with her…” But it looks like Charlie should have heeded Moonit’s warning to, “be careful to set expectations early on–no one can live for very long on a pedestal.” Sheen’s pattern’s pretty clear; he pursues blonde bombshells that look great on paper, but once his relationships are underway, he can’t seem to deal with less-than-perfect reality. Maybe that’s also why Charlie, who practically self-funded Heidi Fleiss’ pay-for-play empire, has a penchant for prostitutes; it’s much easier to live the dream than deal with the truth.