A Shot at Love for Tila Tequila and Casey Johnson

Bisexual reality show star Tila Tequila broke humanity’s heart when she announced her engagement to Casey Johnson. You guys remember, Casey, right? We’ll jog your memory. Casey’s prodigious accomplishments include being heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune; randomly adopting a daughter from Kazakhstan in the face of vocal concerns from the Johnson family; having her hair set on fire by a former girlfriend; and being arrested for grand theft.

Now, these “Parents of the Year” frontrunners are excited about possibly regaining custody of Casey’s adoptive daughter. And to top it off, Tila terrified the Twittersphere (and the world at large) by recently announcing her intention to act as surrogate mother for her brother’s baby. Does all of this sound disastrous to anyone else? It’s like the proverb says: when you mix a delusional billionaire with a pint-sized Petri dish, you’re more likely to get a VH1 spin-off than a happy family.

This last cry for publicity has prompted Moonit to find out if there’s anything remotely real between Tila and Casey, or if this is just one of many, many PR stunts. According to their birth date analysis, Tila and Casey’s relationship is “like a blind man at an orgy…they’re going to need to feel this one out before jumping in.”

The reading reveals that their, “first encounter probably had Tila scratching her head to see what’s going on, trying to understand what it was about Casey that intrigued her so much…Tila’s the one tentatively feeling out whether or not Casey’s worth going in for a closer look.” (By Tequila’s own admission, these two were not fast friends: “Casey and I used to hate each other…but now she’s a totally different woman…I brought her inner beauty out.”)

Moonit’s romantic assessment is definitely up in the air on this risque relationship: “it’s difficult for us to determine what will happen beyond this initial phase….It could very well be enough to get both of them hooked for the long term.” The most profound portion of their readout is this ominous summary: “When they decide to give it a go, this will be a deep relationship that fires on all cylinders; it will be emotionally, physically and intellectually demanding. If they’re up for a challenge and can talk through things, they should be able to overcome any of the inherent jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity that come complimentary with this union.” We can only pray that no sex toys (or children) will be harmed in the making of the inevitable reality series about their passionately dysfunctional love affair.